I’ve been jealous of a lot of weird sh%t over the years: dolphins, oversized inflatable pool toys. But before you ask, no, I’m not jealous of this dude in the giant pink pig head. I mean, sure, the lucky bastard got to live out one of my dreams: standing within 5 feet of a bikini-wearing Miley Cyrus. But just look at the tiny eye holes on that thing. I’ve got a much better view from behind my computer screen.
CELEBRITIES > Bikinis
According to my sources (AKA creeping her Instagram all morning), one of my OG future ex-wives Joanna Krupa is vacationing in Greece right now. Which basically involves taking and posting as many bikini selfies as her international data plan will allow. I’ve never been to Greece before, since that would mean leaving my mom’s basement, but if I’d known the view was this good, I might have reconsidered. Yow!
It’s time for another edition of my favorite Insta-programming: the Bella Thorne booty show. This time, the hardest working hottie on social media is eating a burger in a bikini, or pretending to eat it anyway. I’m pretty sure you don’t get a body this good by hitting up In-N-Out on a daily basis. Either way, I think you’ll agree this looks pretty tasty. And no, I’m not talking about the burger.
I know I’m not supposed to believe in love at first sight, because otherwise I’d be in love with every single model I did a post on. But how about the second time around? Because after coming across this massive set of bikini pictures for Beatriz Fernandez, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with the Spanish hottie, even though I’ve only seen her twice. First in lingerie, now a bikini. But c’mon, how much more does a guy really need to know? I’m ready to propose right now. Or as soon as I find her on Twitter. Wish me luck!
Here’s another Instagram model Taylor Hannum modelling some swimwear line. I don’t know much about her, but if you take a peak at her Instagram page you’ll notice that she’s a dog lover and since I’m a big dog lover too, I think we should date. I mean what are the odds that we both love cute, little furry animals? Anyway, go check out her page, you won’t be disappointed.
We’ve spent a lot of time on amateur beach hotties this week, but I figure it’s time we celebrated a true professional: Colombian hottie Daniela Lopez Osorio. And trust me, after a few seconds checking out the latest bikini pictures from this total smokeshow, you’ll be ruined for anyone else. So take a good look, because this is what a real bikini babe looks like. Disclaimer: I can’t be held responsible for any damage done to your pants and/or marriages. Consider yourself warned.
I know my eyesight isn’t great — spending 5 days a week with your nose an inch from your computer screen probably isn’t very good for your eyes, plus there’s all that stuff my mom used to tell about how my private bathroom time would make me go blind. So maybe it’s just me, but it kind of looks like Amy Jackson is wearing a pad or something in her bikini bottoms in this photoshoot. That said, I guess it doesn’t really matter, because she’s smoking hot no matter what. And that’s something I’ve got no problem seeing.
Practically every time I do a post on Doutzen Kroes, I wonder why the Dutch hottie hasn’t become a bigger name in the modeling biz. As far as I can tell, she’s got everything it takes: a perfect body and… yeah, that’s pretty much all it takes. Anyway, the only thing I can think of that she’s missing is a C-list blogger boyfriend to show off for the tabloids. I mean, it can’t hurt to try, right? Call me!
I never heard of Maggie Rawlins, but here she is modeling for Beach Bunny Swimwear. Obviously she is hot, but she looks like every other model on Instagram, which makes me wonder how much do these chicks actually earn when they are all so interchangeable. Back in the day we had a handful of top models, but now with social media every swimwear or fashion company can hire a chick for peanuts. Anyway, let’s forget about the economics of being a model, it’s not important and let’s focus on those titties. Amen.
After weeks of those super-hot teaser videos, the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has finally been released, and Kate Upton got the cover — again. That makes it three times for the busty blonde. And to celebrate, they apparently made three different covers so you can “collect them all” or something. But since no one would actually ever do that, I’ve got all three for you here, so you can enjoy them all without looking like a big weirdo for buying an armful of the same damn magazine. You’re welcome in advance.
Since I’m such a good guy (stop laughing, I haven’t gotten to the jokes yet), I figured I’d get my loyal readers something nice for Valentine’s Day: like this brand-new set of bikini pictures from supermodel/total pants fire Josephine Skriver. And actually, if you’re ever stuck for a present, this works for pretty much every occasion, birthdays, Christmas, housewarming parties. So enjoy, and you’re welcome.
I know I usually like to rag on these so-called mens’ magazines for doing boring photoshoots. But that must not apply to the international versions. Because trust me, there’s definitely nothing boring about this latest shoot Aussie super-hottie Emily Sears did for Maxim Australia‘s February issue. If anything, the only problem I’ve got with these pictures is that there’s not twice as many of them.
So before you ask, no, Elyse Knowles has no relation to Beyonce. But what this Australian hottie does have is one seriously amazing bikini body. Anyway, I know she’s not as a big of a name in North America as she is Down Under, but I’m telling you, if Elyse keeps delivering smoking hot photoshoots like this, I can pretty much guarantee she’ll be the world’s most famous Knowles in no time.