Before Instagram, Paris Hilton was teaching hot chicks how to work hard at doing absolutely nothing and now millions of InstaModels have her to thank. It’s not easy spending all day at the beach, not working, drinking fruity smoothies and traveling 365 days a year. It’s a hard job and finding the right guy to fund it, is time consuming. Anyway, here’s Paris showing you how it’s done.
CELEBRITIES > Alessandra Ambrosio
Candice Swanepoel has her own swimwear. Almost every model now has a line and is trying to get their followers to buy their crap. Sadly, most of their followers are dudes so it’s more of a “look at me, I’m a businesswoman and not just a dumb model” thing. Anyway, good for her and good for us since we get photos of her in them all the time.
Still not sure what exactly Hailee Steinfeld does. Maybe she sings or acts, but one thing is for sure she has talent laying around in a bikini. I think we have a superstar in the making here.
Here’s everyone’s favorite fake celebrity (and the hottest Kardashian) Kendall Jenner rubbing mud all over herself, I guess as some kind of spa treatment? And honestly, I don’t really get it. I mean, Kendall’s rich parents can afford to buy her a spread in Vogue, but not a special personal assistant whose sole job is applying mud to her body? Hell, I would’ve done it for free!
I’ve been jealous of a lot of weird sh%t over the years: dolphins, oversized inflatable pool toys. But before you ask, no, I’m not jealous of this dude in the giant pink pig head. I mean, sure, the lucky bastard got to live out one of my dreams: standing within 5 feet of a bikini-wearing Miley Cyrus. But just look at the tiny eye holes on that thing. I’ve got a much better view from behind my computer screen.
According to my sources (AKA creeping her Instagram all morning), one of my OG future ex-wives Joanna Krupa is vacationing in Greece right now. Which basically involves taking and posting as many bikini selfies as her international data plan will allow. I’ve never been to Greece before, since that would mean leaving my mom’s basement, but if I’d known the view was this good, I might have reconsidered. Yow!
It’s time for another edition of my favorite Insta-programming: the Bella Thorne booty show. This time, the hardest working hottie on social media is eating a burger in a bikini, or pretending to eat it anyway. I’m pretty sure you don’t get a body this good by hitting up In-N-Out on a daily basis. Either way, I think you’ll agree this looks pretty tasty. And no, I’m not talking about the burger.
I know I’m not supposed to believe in love at first sight, because otherwise I’d be in love with every single model I did a post on. But how about the second time around? Because after coming across this massive set of bikini pictures for Beatriz Fernandez, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with the Spanish hottie, even though I’ve only seen her twice. First in lingerie, now a bikini. But c’mon, how much more does a guy really need to know? I’m ready to propose right now. Or as soon as I find her on Twitter. Wish me luck!
Here’s another Instagram model Taylor Hannum modelling some swimwear line. I don’t know much about her, but if you take a peak at her Instagram page you’ll notice that she’s a dog lover and since I’m a big dog lover too, I think we should date. I mean what are the odds that we both love cute, little furry animals? Anyway, go check out her page, you won’t be disappointed.
We’ve spent a lot of time on amateur beach hotties this week, but I figure it’s time we celebrated a true professional: Colombian hottie Daniela Lopez Osorio. And trust me, after a few seconds checking out the latest bikini pictures from this total smokeshow, you’ll be ruined for anyone else. So take a good look, because this is what a real bikini babe looks like. Disclaimer: I can’t be held responsible for any damage done to your pants and/or marriages. Consider yourself warned.
I know my eyesight isn’t great — spending 5 days a week with your nose an inch from your computer screen probably isn’t very good for your eyes, plus there’s all that stuff my mom used to tell about how my private bathroom time would make me go blind. So maybe it’s just me, but it kind of looks like Amy Jackson is wearing a pad or something in her bikini bottoms in this photoshoot. That said, I guess it doesn’t really matter, because she’s smoking hot no matter what. And that’s something I’ve got no problem seeing.
Practically every time I do a post on Doutzen Kroes, I wonder why the Dutch hottie hasn’t become a bigger name in the modeling biz. As far as I can tell, she’s got everything it takes: a perfect body and… yeah, that’s pretty much all it takes. Anyway, the only thing I can think of that she’s missing is a C-list blogger boyfriend to show off for the tabloids. I mean, it can’t hurt to try, right? Call me!