After weeks of those super-hot teaser videos, the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has finally been released, and Kate Upton got the cover — again. That makes it three times for the busty blonde. And to celebrate, they apparently made three different covers so you can “collect them all” or something. But since no one would actually ever do that, I’ve got all three for you here, so you can enjoy them all without looking like a big weirdo for buying an armful of the same damn magazine. You’re welcome in advance.
CELEBRITIES > Bikinis
Just when I thought this LOVE Advent crap was finally finished, I see they just put a new video starring Kate Upton. Do these guys not know how an advent calendar works? Pretty sure they’re not supposed to last into the second week in January. Anyway, I guess I can’t really complain, considering it’s just Kate’s giant cleavage playing hide and seek with the camera, making this probably the best video they made all year. Took them long enough.
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for all you perverts with an overactive imagination out there: according to my sources, Kate Upton got engaged. And these shots of her on her way to the Met Gala wearing an engagement ring proved it (once I was able to move my eyes down from her funbags stuffed into that dress, that is). So no, you no longer have a 0.0000001% chance with the busty blonde. But let’s be real, it’s not like this actually changes anything. As long as Kate and her cleavage keeps hitting the town, I’m willing to be the bigger man here and wish her congratulations.
Normally, if I was doing a post on Kate Upton and her cute puppies, I’d be talking about those massive funbags of hers, but they must be camera-shy or something, because my former favorite busty blonde hasn’t been showing them off much lately. Instead, she kept them covered up here on her way through LAX with her dog, although if you ask me, she should’ve let ’em run free. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about her dog this time. I know it can get a little confusing.
I know I tend to knock awards shows for being boring, overlong celebrity circle jerks, but listen, one of the great things about the Oscars is that it’s so big and important, it brings out just about every hottie in Hollywood. Because even if they don’t get invited to the main event, there’s all the after-parties and pre-parties and viewing parties. And then we get shots like this of Kate Upton and Emily Ratajkowski at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party looking smoking hot, and 100% Oscar-worthy. And yes, I know these two aren’t real actresses, but I decided to re-name the Little Tuna “Oscar” just in case some gullible hottie falls for it… Somebody tell Kate and Emily they can pick up their honorary Oscars in my mom’s basement.
The last time Kate Upton showed up somewhere covered up from head to toe like this, I was willing to chalk it up to just a one-time thing. Maybe she had a full-body hickey she was hiding or something. But after seeing her at the Stella McCartney Collection Event, I’m officially worried. Maybe she actually is covering something up under there, and I’m not just talking about her plus-sized cleavage. I think Kate got fat. But it’s still not too late to turn it around for the sake of me and the Little Tuna and perverts everywhere. Oh, and Kate’s health too, I guess. Not to mention her career.
As any of my regular readers know, I’m almost as much of a sucker for cute pooches as I am for busty blondes. So this latest shoot Kate Upton did for Harper’s Bazaar Singapore‘s “Happy Issue” combines two of my favorite things. It’s just a shame they made Kate wear so much clothing here, because if they really wanted to make me and the Little Tuna and millions of other perverts happy, they would’ve gotten Kate to show off her own puppies instead. And I’m not talking about dogs…
I have bad news for you guys! Kate Upton is either expecting or fat! I can’t tell by what she’s wearing at the “Operation Smile’s 2015 Gala”. I never found her to be much of a model, but her boobs went viral at a time when there was barely any social media platforms and blogs like this were somewhat relevant. But just like blogs. Kate and her big knockers are a thing of the past. All this to say is that Instagram models will eventually be forgotten too and that time will come when advertisers realize that 95% of these “influencers” don’t convert. And yes, when the money is gone, they’ll stop posting their titties. Anyway, back to Kate. Please lose some weight and make a comeback. Charlotte McKinney doesn’t bring me any traffic and no traffic equals no money.
Now that Kate Upton is the world’s most famous plus-sized model, it looks like she let W Magazine tag along to check out her workout. And I think I’ve finally figured out why Kate’s looking bigger these days. See, I may not know much about exercising (I’m a blogger, remember?), but I’m pretty sure she should be doing cardio, not weight training, if she wants to lose a few extra LBs. But lucky for Kate, I’ve got just the solution: it’s called the Tuna press, and it only takes 30-45 seconds a day. And yes, I’m available for private lessons. Call me!
OK, so I know I might get some hate mail for that headline, but when I call Kate Upton the hottest plus-size model ever, I mean it as a compliment. Sort of… But whatever, at least this cleavage she was showing at the Harper’s Bazaar Icons Event was way better than those boring pictures we got from her yesterday. And hey, on the bright side, her funbags are looking way bigger too, right?
The last few times I’ve done a post on Kate Upton, I’ve been trying to figure out what happened to the busty blonde. I mean, for a while there, she was one of the hottest models around. But now? She’s just been kind of average. Anyway, here she is out during New York Fashion Week looking pretty boring, and if you ask me, if Kate wants to turn this thing around, she’s going to have to do something drastic. Like, say, having a high-profile fling with a semi-famous blogger. Hey, I’m just tossing out ideas.
After I went ahead and posted those last few Kate Upton photoshoots, I figured that the world’s most famous busty blonde was back on top of her game. Then I saw these pictures of her looking like just another normal girl, not one of the so-called hottest models around. Apparently, she’s filming some new movie here, so either she’s a great actress and hair and makeup did one hell of a job, or maybe we’ve been wrong about Kate.
I know that whenever you see a new busty blonde model, people are always calling them the “next Kate Upton.” But as you can probably tell from this awesome Guess shoot of Kate’s, there’s just no substitute for the real thing. That said, if you ever find one, let me know ASAP. I know it’s pretty unlikely, but I figure the odds are still better than me ever convincing the real Kate to take me motorboating.