I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried to pretend it’s not happening. But there’s no use in fighting it any longer: I’m sorry to report that Scarlett Johansson, AKA formerly one of the hottest women in the world, now looks like a professional Hillary Clinton impersonator thanks to that hipster haircut of hers. All she needs now is a pantsuit. But don’t worry, at least we’ve still got the archives until it grows back out. Or her agent buys her some hair extensions.
CELEBRITIES > Scarlett Johansson
Yawn. Anyone else remember when Scarlett Johansson had boobs and actually used to show them off? Instead, the only thing she’s showing off now is her lame hipster haircut for some boring photoshoot for Variety. And it’s enough to make me want to go take a nap and dream about the good old days. You know, back before Scarlett got boring.
I know she’s had it for a while now, but I’m still not digging this short haircut of Scarlett Johansson‘s. And I don’t know why she hasn’t started growing it out again. You’d think the approval of a pasty blogger who lives in his mom’s basement would mean everything to an A-list hottie like Scarlett… OK, OK, stop laughing and just enjoy this spread she did for the May issue of Cosmopolitan, you jerks.
Here’s Scarlett Johansson at the LA premiere of Avengers: Age Of Ultron, and I know I should be more used to it by now, but I’m sorry. The third time’s not the charm. I still can’t get behind this awful lesbian haircut of Scarlett’s. That said, maybe if she paired it with a bikini or some skintight booty shorts, that might change my mind. I guess there’s only one way to find out, right?
I don’t know about you guys, but I wasn’t a fan the first time Scarlett Johansson cut off all her hair, and I’m definitely not digging this new ‘do. Here she is at the G’Day USA Gala, and I’m sorry, but if Scarlett really wanted to copy Miley Cyrus, why couldn’t she have just done the whole topless Instagram and booty-shaking thing and skipped the lesbian haircut? No, seriously, that wasn’t a rhetorical question. I really don’t get it.
Listen, I like Scarlett Johansson as much as the next guy with a working set of eyes, but yikes. I’m definitely not digging the new haircut on her in these pictures from a charity fundraiser in New York. I don’t know why hotties keep doing this, but short hair is never a good look. I mean, it only worked for Miley Cyrus because she kept getting topless and showing off her booty to distract us. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Maybe this could still work for Scarlett after all.
Everyone’s favorite soon-to-be-MILF Scarlett Johansson made the cover of Vanity Fair for May, and delivered one seriously awesome photoshoot thanks to those growing baby bumps of hers. Still, I don’t get how Vanity Fair‘s able to land a busty shoot with Scarlett and I can’t. Oh right, because they’re a “respected publication” with “professional photographers” and I’m just a dude in his mom’s basement with an iPhone. Whatever. It’s all politics.
It’s still way too early to tell if Scarlett Johansson‘s baby bumps are getting any bigger — trust me, because I’ve been studying these pictures pretty closely all morning. But that said, all that “research” paid off, because I did notice one thing from these shots of Scarlett at the UK premiere of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It’s that I spent so much time focusing on her cleavage these last few posts, I totally forgot about the other part of her that’s about to get bigger too: that awesome booty. You know, I think I finally get why people care about this stupid pregnancy thing so much.
In case you hadn’t noticed, this site isn’t exactly a mommy blog, even though I’m just as interested in charting celebrity baby bumps as any of those places. Only I just so happen to focus on a slightly different region. And luckily for me, Scarlett Johansson is making that job a whole lot easier by continuing to bust out her cleavage on the red carpet. So here she is at the Paris premiere of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and stay tuned for updates, because I plan on following this story very closely over the next few months. And I can’t wait to see how it all develops.
I know there’s been a lot of talk lately about whether Scarlett Johansson‘s knocked up or not, so I’m guessing people will be studying these shots of her at the Captain America: The Winter Soldier premiere pretty closely looking for evidence. But they’re all looking in the wrong place. See, I’ve discovered a pretty foolproof way of telling how far along a celebrity hottie is just by looking at their funbags. So if anyone wants to know for sure, I’d be more than happy to use my expertise to determine how far along Scarlett is. And while sure, I could probably do this over the Internet, it’ll be way more accurate if I do it in person. It’ll also be way more fun. For me, at least.
So apparently Scarlett Johansson made the cover of Dazed & Confused Magazine‘s Spring 2014 issue (whatever that is). And I have to say, after looking at the pictures, I’m a little confused too. Mostly why these pictures aren’t way hotter and why they put Scarlett in this much clothing. I guess I just don’t understand fashion magazines, but I thought the point was to sell copies, not put your readers to sleep. No wonder people say print is dead.
Scarlett Johansson is hot, everybody with a set of working eyes knows that. But for the past few years, she’s been boring-hot, and I feel like we started to take her for granted. Well, not anymore. Because between her recent hot streak and now this photoshoot, I’m ready to call it: Scarlett’s back. And clearly deserving of being named Esquire‘s “Sexiest Woman Alive” for the second time. Now, how about some more “leaked” nudie pictures to celebrate? Just let me go get my camera and tripod first.
Good news: Scarlett Johansson‘s hot streak is still going, thanks to these pictures from the Don Jon premiere in New York. And supposedly Scarlett plays the girlfriend of a dude with a serious porn addiction in it. Huh, I didn’t know they made a movie about every one of my readers. I mean, obviously they fictionalized the whole girlfriend part, but still, you guys should really file a class action lawsuit or something. And if you’re smart, you won’t ask for any money, just a date with Scarlett. If you win, you’ll probably each get only 3.5 seconds with her, since they’ll have to split up the settlement, but I still think that ought to be more than enough time.