50 Dumbest Rock-Star Extravagances (Horny Oyster)
ARCHIVES > August, 2006
First of all, I like to say that Scarlett Johansson is absolutely gorgeous here at ‘The Black Dahlia‘ photocall. However, I’ve noticed a growing epidemic affecting Hollywood‘s hottest stars and that’s a case of some very bad fashion sense. You know, a few months ago I used to love writing about how nice Jessica Simpson‘s breasts looked in a tight top or how sweet Jessica Alba‘s ass fit into a pair of jeans but now ladies fashion is getting worse and worse everyday. Take Scarlett and Mia Kirshner for example. What the hell am I supposed to write here?! That the colour of Mia‘s dress is a nice shade of blue or that Scarlett‘s shorts make her legs look long and lean. It’s enough already! If this trend continues, where hot girls wear ugly clothes, the next thing you know we’ll be living in Bizarro World where the Oprah Winfreys and Rosie O’Donnells will be the ones dressing slutty and I’ll be writing a BBW appreciation blog.
*Fashion Attention Deficit Disorder
For someone who lost their voice, Jessica Simpson sure doesn’t know how to keep her mouth closed, which is not a bad thing… if your John Mayor.
One of the best videos wasn’t even nominated, according to Kanye West, the maker of said video. West, who’s nominated for best pop video at Thursday’s MTV Video Music Awards for Gold Digger, says his elaborate Evel Knievel spoof Touch the Sky”” featuring Pamela Anderson “” was better than that. “It didn’t get any nominations, but it’s one of the most memorable videos of the year for me,” he said Tuesday night.
If Kanye West thinks that being nominated or winning an MTV’s VMA means anything to anyone then he’s absolutely delusional. The VMA‘s are not the Oscars; it’s an event for teens to see their favourite musicians act like idiots on TV. Anyway, back to his video ‘Touch the Sky‘. I have to say that this is actually the worst video of the year and I’m not just saying that because I hate Kanye West. I’m saying it because it really does suck and not even Pamela Anderson could have saved it.
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Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it does. I’m seriously at a loss for words with these new pictures of Jessica Simpson promoting her album in New York City. You know, first it was the red lipstick on the teeth and now it’s these awful outfits (including the ridiculous Gucci sunglasses). One begins to wonder if Jessica belongs with my grandmother in a retirement centre in Boca Raton, Florida.
It looks like Jessica Biel is done promoting her new movie The Illusionist because she’s back to being a boy. It’s too bad because she was looking so good as a girl that I almost forgot the days when she could have treated me like a little bitch if she wanted to. Oh well, I guess those lonely nights fantasizing about sweeping Jessica off her feet will now be replaced by dreams of her beating the shit out of me, which is equally gratifying.
Normally, I’d be ecstatic when a celebrity has a nipple slip or an areola slip like Beyonce has here, but I’m not. Now maybe if this were three years ago when she was in her prime, I’d put on some ‘Bootylicious‘ on my stereo and get busy. But since Rihanna has stolen her spotlight and made me forget that Beyonce ever existed, I couldn’t care less.
Yesterday, I thought I may be overreacting a bit about Jessica Simpson‘s hotness going down the toilet but was I? Well, if you think I am going to sit here and continue writing negatively about how her looks are fading faster than Mel Gibson‘s movie career and that she has nasty red lipstick on her teeth in the second picture, you’re wrong. Now if this were any other girl, I’d have a field day but since Jessica has done so much for me in the past, I feel that it would only be right if I return the favour by offering her my help. And what I mean by help is hours of multiple orgasms.