Model Audrey Bouette Purple Bikini Beauty (Egotastic)
ARCHIVES > December, 2016
I know there’s a bunch of these Russian “Instagram stars” out there, but I love Anastasia Skyline here for two reasons. One: it sounds like she picked her fake name off the first thing she saw out the window, and two, she clearly knows her best angles. (And I guess it’s not her face.) I mean, seriously, she’s up to 1.9 million followers now, and I guarantee not a single one of them could pick Anastasia’s headshot out of a lineup. A booty shot though… I’d recognize that thing anywhere.
I’ve got some good news, guys. Not only do I have more patented Bella Thorne tongue action for you perverts today, but it looks like the hardest-working hottie on Snapchat finally figured out a way to monetize all these sexy selfies of hers. Because it looks like Bella’s doing a Calvin Klein lingerie ad in one of these Snaps, and if you ask me, that’s genius. Millions of followers is great and all, but the #1 hottie on Snapchat deserves some actual cash for all that work she’s been putting in. Here’s hoping she does an ad for a “personal massager” next, if you catch my drift.
I don’t know when “Instagram model” became the new politically-correct term for “hot nobody,” but I guess that’s what I’m supposed to call models like Joy Corrigan here these days. And even though I’d still prefer seeing Joy do some old-school bikini yoga for the paps or any of those other classic hot nobody moves, I guess sexy lingerie photoshoots work too. They’re definitely doing the trick for me and the Little Tuna. Enjoy.
OK, I’m sorry. I know we’re all supposed to pretend like these LOVE Advent videos are the greatest movies ever made, just because they’ve got hotties dancing around in lingerie. But I’ve watched 30 of these things by now, and this is really the best they could come up with? Rose Bertram eating Cheetos? If you want to see somebody eating junk food in their underwear, just come by Tuna HQ sometime. Anyway, if you ask me, they need to fire their whole staff and start over fresh next year. Because this is just sad.
I know I’m probably the least-qualified person alive to be giving anyone parenting advice, but I was looking at these pictures of Madison Beer at the beach, and I honestly don’t understand who lets their 17-year-old daughter wear a bikini like this. (That’s right perverts, Madison’s still 17 for another few months.) Or who lets their daughter do a fake “candid” beach photoshoot with the paps before she turns 18. Won’t somebody think of
the children my readers? I don’t want any of you perverts getting in trouble here.
Paris Hilton And Her Ex-Assistant Reunited At The Annual Khristmas Party (DLISTED)
I don’t know why Victoria’s Secret hasn’t hired Rachel Cook here yet, or what’s taking them so damn long, but I’m going to keep doing posts on this Insta-babe until those guys come to their senses. I mean, seriously, what do the Hadid sisters or the Jenners have that Rachel doesn’t? You know, besides rich parents who’ll buy them modeling careers. Because I’ve been doing this gig for a long time now, and in my professional opinion, Rachel’s bikini body is better than all four of those wannabes combined. But don’t just take my word for it. The bikini pictures speak for themselves.
Here’s red-hot ginger Alexina Graham giving us a brand-new Christmas-themed photoshoot. And I know you guys might be asking yourself what a hottie eating watermelon and lounging around in a beach house has to do with the holidays… But come on, isn’t it obvious? Between Alexina’s red hair and pasty white skin, we’ve got all your classic Christmas colors. Plus, she’s currently lighting up my pants like we’re in Rockefeller Center. I say it counts. So just go with it, and enjoy.
Back in the day, it used to seem like we’d discover a new British hottie almost every other week, but for whatever reason, there’s been a lot fewer busty Brit exports coming to our computers lately. Blame Brexit, I guess? But good news! I finally found a new one. So, meet Rosie Danvers. I don’t know much about her, other than the fact that she’s a former Page 3 Girl, but Rosie definitely meets all the necessary requirements in the funbag department, so she’s more than qualified to become our newest official busty British hottie. Congrats!
I don’t know about you guys, but I always think it’s hilarious when stone-cold hotties think that just because they put on a pair of glasses, all of a sudden that makes them a nerd or something. Like it instantly erases their perfect bodies or amazing funbags. Anyway, here’s self-proclaimed “dork” Emily Ratajkowski celebrating getting to 10 million followers on Instagram by doing the same thing that got her all those followers in the first place: getting naked. Well, mostly naked, anyway. She’s still wearing those glasses. What a loser.