I know I like to make fun of Emily Ratajkowski sometimes and say that me and the Tuna Bump are the main reason she got so famous, but I’ve got to give credit where credit’s due. And there’s no denying she works pretty hard for a model. Because when she’s not looking crazy hot for professional photoshoots (like this latest picture for W Magazine), she’s also doing extra Instagram bikini modeling on the side. I just wish every model was this dedicated.
Now that Emily Ratajkowski‘s a big-time star and not just another hot nobody Maxim model, she gets invited to big-time events, like the 69th annual Tony Awards. And maybe I’m just delusional, but I figure one of these days she’s bound to take me as her date to one of these things, considering everything I did for her career. You think it’s easy posting pictures of Emily in lingerie and writing a few lines about how crazy hot she is a couple times a month? …Actually, don’t answer that.
Here’s Emily Ratajkowski at the Entourage premiere, and in case you haven’t noticed, Emily’s officially an A-list hottie these days. And even though I’m still waiting for my official thank-you motorboat for helping get her there, I’m just glad to see the Tuna Bump works. Because now when I promise hot nobodies that sending me sexy pictures can help their career, I can point to Emily as a success story. See, ladies? All you need is to look drop-dead sexy in lingerie, be willing to get naked on camera and you too can become a huge star. It’s the American Dream.
I know that I used to call Emily Ratajkowski just a Playboy model who got lucky, but I’ve really come around on Emily lately. Mostly thanks to photoshoots like this one, which are hot enough to give me a permanent pants fire. And if she keeps it up, Emily could get even luckier and graduate from A-list supermodel to a future ex-Mrs. Tuna. Fingers crossed.
Now that Emily Ratajkowski is an A-list model thanks to me and the Tuna Bump (you’re welcome, by the way), she gets invited to all kinds of fancy events, like the 67th annual Parson Fashion Benefit in New York. And you’d think she’d take me to one of them one of these days as a thank-you or something. Then again, I’d also take lingerie selfies sent to my inbox or 30 seconds of motorboating her perfect cleavage. Honestly, I’m not really that picky.
OK, so I may not support this whole “serious actress” kick that Emily Ratajkowski‘s been on lately, but here’s something I can support: a new set of lingerie pictures Emily did for Free People. It’s important to play to your strengths. Why do you think I keep making the same stupid dick jokes over and over? When you find something that works, you stick with it. And these are definitely working for me.
According to my sources, it was the 2015 MTV Movie Awards last night, which I didn’t watch because I had better things to do. …Stop laughing. I haven’t gotten to the punchline yet. Anyway, I’ve still got some of the highlights for you today, like Emily Ratajkowski here. I’m guessing she didn’t win anything, but the good news is, I’ve got a consolation prize for her: Best Cleavage of the Night. It’s by far the most coveted trophy and I’m sure all the other hotties are extremely jealous that Emily gets to pick up her award at a private ceremony in my mom’s basement. …OK fine, now you can laugh.
According to my sources, hottie Emily Ratajkowski is leaving Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel Party on some rich dude’s yacht in these pictures. And I know I should be focused on how good Emily’s looking here, but instead, I’m a little upset I wasn’t invited. I mean, it’s just not fair. I’ve been trying to get Emily to go motorboating with me for years now. Oh well. Maybe next time.
I don’t know how you guys spent your Valentine’s Day this year, but I spent mine having quality time with my one true love. No, not Emily Ratajkowski — for some reason, she still hasn’t realized we’re perfect for each other. I meant the Little Tuna. Anyway, here’s Emily walking around with a bunch of boring flowers from some unimaginative dude. Forget chocolate and roses. This year, I got my Valentine a box of three-ply Kleenex. Now that’s romantic.
So Sports Illustrated held their annual celebration for the 2015 Swimsuit Issue in New York the other night. And instead of being upset that they forgot to invite me to the party (again), I’m going to look on the bright side: they did invite a whole bunch of hotties like Hannah Davis, Rose Bertram, Hailey Clauson, Solveig Mork Hansen, Ashley Smith, Kelly Rohrbach, Emily Ratajkowski, Sara Sampaio, Hannah Ferguson, Samantha Hoopes, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Heatherton, Lily Aldridge, Gigi Hadid, Irina Shayk, Genevieve Morton, and Ashley Graham. And you know, just looking at these pictures is starting to make me feel better already.
I know that as a professional blogger, it’s my job to watch things like the Grammys, but usually, I just fall asleep on top of the heap of pizza boxes on my couch as soon as the show goes longer than five minutes without having any hotties up on stage. Which is why getting invited to this Grammy’s Ultimate VIP Viewing Party in New York with Emily Ratajkowski would’ve been perfect for me. Granted, I probably would’ve been too focused on Emily to catch any more of the show than usual, but at least I would’ve stayed awake for the whole thing.
Last week, we had Hannah Davis on the cover, but now it’s time for the best of the rest. And I always love when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out, it’s almost like having another birthday. Only instead of getting “real” pants with zippers and lectures about “finally growing up,” I get bikini pictures from hotties like Nina Agdal, Kate Bock, Gigi Hadid, Lily Aldridge, Kelly Rohrbach, Hailey Clauson, Emily Ratajkowski. Which is way better if you ask me. So for more where this came from, check out SI.com. And enjoy, because days like this only come around once a year.
I know it’s rare to see Emily Ratajkowski covered up in this much clothing, but according to my sources, she’s on her way to the airport in these shots. And I’ve gotta say, I’m a little disappointed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Emily would still be a pants fire wearing a burlap sack, but why don’t people dress up to fly anymore? I think I speak for everyone when I say that flight would’ve 20 times better if Emily had showed up wearing this. Or this. Or this. Sorry, what were we talking about again? I got distracted.
I’m not entirely sure what Emily Ratajkowski was doing at a pre-party for the BAFTA Awards, but don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not complaining. I’ll take any excuse we can get to see more of that A-list cleavage of hers. I just prefer the good old days — you know, when Emily was just another attention-seeking hot nobody and not some serious “actress.” It’s the dreaded Olivia Munn effect all over again. And we lose too many of our top hotties to it each year. I’m telling you, it’s an epidemic. Won’t somebody think of
the children the Little Tuna?