I know you’ve probably heard me say this before, but this time I actually mean it. Because after seeing this Aussie pants fire Casey Boonstra in the latest issue of Maxim Australia, I’ve decided I’m doing it — I’m moving Down Under. I mean, come on, I work from home, right? Which means I can work from anywhere, as long as there’s a mom and a basement and decent wifi. So if you live in Australia and your mom wants to put me up, send me an email. I’m coming, Casey!
Last time I did a post on Bella Hadid, I decided to officially give her the coveted title of Hottest Hadid Sister. And I’m glad to see that she’s living up to that billing with this latest round of bikini pictures. I mean, sure, I still think she’s just another rich kid wannabe playing pretend as a real supermodel, but she’s also got a pretty banging bikini body, and that’s got to count for something. So enjoy!
Bella Thorne is a genius when it comes to social media whoring. She does the same sh%t daily and each and every time she manages to get me to post her crap. Here she is pretending she’s on the receiving end of a money shot while showering in a bikini. Brilliant!
Emily Ratajkowski is one of those models who is just popular because she got naked in a very racy music video, but I wonder where she’d be if that video never happened? Probably Playboy Cyber girl. Anyway, here are her latest Instagram posts and Snaps. Enjoy.
I never heard of Maggie Rawlins, but here she is modeling for Beach Bunny Swimwear. Obviously she is hot, but she looks like every other model on Instagram, which makes me wonder how much do these chicks actually earn when they are all so interchangeable. Back in the day we had a handful of top models, but now with social media every swimwear or fashion company can hire a chick for peanuts. Anyway, let’s forget about the economics of being a model, it’s not important and let’s focus on those titties. Amen.
It already feels like summer out there, so what better way to celebrate than with pictures of a smoking hot busty blonde in a bikini? And yes, I know that’s how I like to celebrate pretty much everything, from birthdays to Tuesdays, but whatever. Just shut up and enjoy this latest killer bikini photoshoot from Rachel Mortenson.
I’ve done a couple posts on Ryan Newman before, but I’m guessing you perverts probably aren’t as up-to-date on your C-list “celebrities” as I am. So here’s a quick refresher: Ryan here’s a professional “actress,” and also a wannabe model and pretend singer. And I guess now we can add professional InstaHottie to the list, because this girl’s social media game is so hot, it should come with a flammable warning or something. Yow!
Here’s my new favorite Insta-hottie Alexis Ren back with another pants-melting beach photoshoot. And I just hope Emily Ratajkowski is paying attention here, because I don’t care how many tens of millions of followers you’ve got. Everyone knows that the true measure of success for an Instagram supermodel is how many phone screens you burn out from all the scrolling. And thanks to Alexis, I’m already on my third of the month. Yow!
Every year I try to tell Sports Illustrated who should make the cover of their Swimsuit Issue, and every year, they ignore me and get it wrong. This time, I was really pulling for Vita Sidorkina here (get your mind out of the gutter, perverts), and personally, I think it’s pretty obvious why she should’ve been picked. I mean, just look at these pictures! No offense to Kate Upton, but she looks like a sack of potatoes next to Vita. Is it too late to change it?
Looking at these pictures of Chrissy Teigen in the 2017 SI Swimsuit Issue just reminded me, but I totally forgot Chrissy had a kid last year. Which means it’s time to invite her to join the official Hollywood Tuna MILF Club. It’s a pretty sweet deal, actually — you get to pretend I don’t exist while I talk about what a hot MILF you are, and club dues are just a few bikini and/or lingerie and/or fully nude pictures sent to my inbox once a month. Or, for a lifetime membership, you come over to my mom’s basement for a date. No one’s picked that option yet, but maybe Chrissy could be the first. (It’s cool. Just tell John it’s a “work thing.”)
After weeks of those super-hot teaser videos, the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has finally been released, and Kate Upton got the cover — again. That makes it three times for the busty blonde. And to celebrate, they apparently made three different covers so you can “collect them all” or something. But since no one would actually ever do that, I’ve got all three for you here, so you can enjoy them all without looking like a big weirdo for buying an armful of the same damn magazine. You’re welcome in advance.
Ugh. I guess Hannah Davis is going by Hannah Jeter now. At least, judging by this Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue teaser video they just released. But that’s not even the worst part. See, I just found out her and that loser ex-ballplayer are having a kid. So make sure to take a good look at Hannah’s killer bikini body here, because it might be the last one we see for a while. What a shame. She had so much potential too.
Since I’m such a good guy (stop laughing, I haven’t gotten to the jokes yet), I figured I’d get my loyal readers something nice for Valentine’s Day: like this brand-new set of bikini pictures from supermodel/total pants fire Josephine Skriver. And actually, if you’re ever stuck for a present, this works for pretty much every occasion, birthdays, Christmas, housewarming parties. So enjoy, and you’re welcome.