OK, so I may not support this whole “serious actress” kick that Emily Ratajkowski‘s been on lately, but here’s something I can support: a new set of lingerie pictures Emily did for Free People. It’s important to play to your strengths. Why do you think I keep making the same stupid dick jokes over and over? When you find something that works, you stick with it. And these are definitely working for me.
According to my sources, it was the 2015 MTV Movie Awards last night, which I didn’t watch because I had better things to do. …Stop laughing. I haven’t gotten to the punchline yet. Anyway, I’ve still got some of the highlights for you today, like Emily Ratajkowski here. I’m guessing she didn’t win anything, but the good news is, I’ve got a consolation prize for her: Best Cleavage of the Night. It’s by far the most coveted trophy and I’m sure all the other hotties are extremely jealous that Emily gets to pick up her award at a private ceremony in my mom’s basement. …OK fine, now you can laugh.
According to my sources, hottie Emily Ratajkowski is leaving Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel Party on some rich dude’s yacht in these pictures. And I know I should be focused on how good Emily’s looking here, but instead, I’m a little upset I wasn’t invited. I mean, it’s just not fair. I’ve been trying to get Emily to go motorboating with me for years now. Oh well. Maybe next time.
I don’t know how you guys spent your Valentine’s Day this year, but I spent mine having quality time with my one true love. No, not Emily Ratajkowski — for some reason, she still hasn’t realized we’re perfect for each other. I meant the Little Tuna. Anyway, here’s Emily walking around with a bunch of boring flowers from some unimaginative dude. Forget chocolate and roses. This year, I got my Valentine a box of three-ply Kleenex. Now that’s romantic.
So Sports Illustrated held their annual celebration for the 2015 Swimsuit Issue in New York the other night. And instead of being upset that they forgot to invite me to the party (again), I’m going to look on the bright side: they did invite a whole bunch of hotties like Hannah Davis, Rose Bertram, Hailey Clauson, Solveig Mork Hansen, Ashley Smith, Kelly Rohrbach, Emily Ratajkowski, Sara Sampaio, Hannah Ferguson, Samantha Hoopes, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Heatherton, Lily Aldridge, Gigi Hadid, Irina Shayk, Genevieve Morton, and Ashley Graham. And you know, just looking at these pictures is starting to make me feel better already.
I know that as a professional blogger, it’s my job to watch things like the Grammys, but usually, I just fall asleep on top of the heap of pizza boxes on my couch as soon as the show goes longer than five minutes without having any hotties up on stage. Which is why getting invited to this Grammy’s Ultimate VIP Viewing Party in New York with Emily Ratajkowski would’ve been perfect for me. Granted, I probably would’ve been too focused on Emily to catch any more of the show than usual, but at least I would’ve stayed awake for the whole thing.
Last week, we had Hannah Davis on the cover, but now it’s time for the best of the rest. And I always love when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out, it’s almost like having another birthday. Only instead of getting “real” pants with zippers and lectures about “finally growing up,” I get bikini pictures from hotties like Nina Agdal, Kate Bock, Gigi Hadid, Lily Aldridge, Kelly Rohrbach, Hailey Clauson, Emily Ratajkowski. Which is way better if you ask me. So for more where this came from, check out SI.com. And enjoy, because days like this only come around once a year.
I know it’s rare to see Emily Ratajkowski covered up in this much clothing, but according to my sources, she’s on her way to the airport in these shots. And I’ve gotta say, I’m a little disappointed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Emily would still be a pants fire wearing a burlap sack, but why don’t people dress up to fly anymore? I think I speak for everyone when I say that flight would’ve 20 times better if Emily had showed up wearing this. Or this. Or this. Sorry, what were we talking about again? I got distracted.
I’m not entirely sure what Emily Ratajkowski was doing at a pre-party for the BAFTA Awards, but don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not complaining. I’ll take any excuse we can get to see more of that A-list cleavage of hers. I just prefer the good old days — you know, when Emily was just another attention-seeking hot nobody and not some serious “actress.” It’s the dreaded Olivia Munn effect all over again. And we lose too many of our top hotties to it each year. I’m telling you, it’s an epidemic. Won’t somebody think of
the children the Little Tuna?
So no one came to my big Golden Globes viewing party last night, which is a real shame, because I found a whole bunch of leftover pizza under my couch and everything. Anyway, I’m not gonna lie, I was a little hurt at first. But now I think I finally figured out why no one showed. Because if a hot nobody like Emily Ratajkowski was in attendance, then they must’ve invited every single hottie in Hollywood. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.
Because there’s no better way to end the week than with pictures of a hot model, here’s Emily Ratajkowski in the upcoming issue of FHM. Supposedly they’ve got a whole bunch of bright ideas for making this year better than the last one, and I’ve got an idea of my own I’d like to add to their list: have Emily eating an ice cream bar on the cover every month. Because right now it’s the only thing keeping my mind off the fact that my mom’s basement feels like a walk-in freezer. Yow.
I’m sure you’re all getting a little tired of hearing it by now, so I’m not going to complain about how Emily Ratajkowski still owes me a thank-you motorboat for helping make her one of the biggest names in the modeling business. Instead, I’ll just pass along Emily’s latest super-h0t lingerie shoot. And I have a feeling that’s one thing you’ll never get tired of hearing from me. Enjoy.
In case you hadn’t noticed, Emily Ratajkowski is everywhere these days, and here’s one of the world’s newest A-list models attending The Hollywood Reporter’s 23rd annual Women in Entertainment breakfast in LA. So make sure you enjoy these, because from now on, the only chance you’ll ever have of eating breakfast with Emily is if she drops back down to the Z-list and makes some seriously bad life choices. Fingers crossed!
I know I remind you of this every chance I get, but thanks to yours truly and the Tuna Bump, Emily Ratajkowski has become one of the biggest names in the modeling business. And while I’m still waiting for those topless thank-you selfies from Emily, this’ll definitely do for now: new pictures of the smoking hot model for Yamamay Lingerie’s Christmas collection. So just in case any of you were wondering what to get your favorite blogger for the holidays this year, I’ll take Emily in any one of these, thanks.