I didn’t realize something called Hamptons Magazine even existed. Probably because I live in my mom’s basement and not in some exclusive beach community. But the good news is, we don’t need to live in the Hamptons to enjoy this swimsuit shoot that professional tennis hottie-turned-Insta-hottie Maria Sharapova did for their latest issue. I don’t know about you guys, but I feel classier already.
I’m not entirely clear on whether Maria Sharapova is still banned from playing tennis or not, considering I only watch the sport for the highlights (of hotties grunting in short skirts, naturally), but if she is, here’s hoping they find some reason to extend it. Because I don’t know about you perverts, but I could definitely get used to the idea of seeing Maria spend less time on the courts and more time on sandy beaches in bikinis. In fact, forget tennis, I think Maria’s got a chance to really move up the rankings if she wants to turn pro as an Instagram model.
So in case you didn’t hear, Maria Sharapova just got handed a two-year ban from tennis for failing a drug test, but the good news is they can’t stop her from playing at the beach in the meantime. The bad news — well, besides the fact that she’s not wearing a bikini in these shots — is that all those performance-enhancing drugs she was allegedly taking haven’t seemed to work on enhancing her booty. Oh well. At least now she’s got a full two years to find something that does, right?
The big news yesterday was that Maria Sharapova failed some drug test using some recently banned substance. We all know every single chick in sports uses crap, and I would bet my life that one of the Williams’ sisters is on some hard sh%t. Yes, you know who! The one that looks like a brother and not a sister. Anyway, at least Maria maintained her femininity all these years and I don’t think this wil hurt her image in the long run.
Today’s extra catch consists of Nikki Lund, Mariah Strongin, Diane Poulos, Diane Venus, Elizabeth Vashisht, Katherine Bailess, Amber Le Bon, Pixie Lott, Katherine Jenkins, Michelle Heaton, Emma Stone, Maria Sharapova, Liz Hernandez, Julia Mancuso, Draya Michele, Danica Patrick, Hannah Cornett, Jennie Finch, Erin Andrews,Jessica Szohr, Taylor Swift, Tamara Ecclestone, Lindsay Lohan, Tulisa Contostavlos, Olivia Wilde.
Good news! Now that Wimbledon’s over, it looks like Maria Sharapova can finally focus on the truly important stuff, you know, like hanging out in a bikini. And yeah, I know these shots aren’t the best quality, which is a little disappointing. But not nearly as disappointing as the fact that Maria didn’t invite me along instead of that other loser. I’ve always wanted to play doubles with her. And I’ve been practicing my game and everything. Solo, but still.
So I’m guessing Maria Sharapova must’ve won the French Open or something, and this trophy ceremony isn’t just to celebrate the fact that Maria gave me the biggest pants fire I’ve had in months thanks to this leg show of hers. I mean, I know the pants thing is a pretty momentous occasion over here and all, but the big tip-off was that giant trophy. See, I was planning a ticker tape parade instead.
Today’s extra catch consists of Ashley Tisdale, Alexandra Burke, Katy B, Fearne Cotton, Kylie Minogue, Hayley Orrantia, Imogen Poots, Debby Ryan, Tonya Watts, Caroline Noeding, Franziska Czurratis, Camila Alves, Michelle Dockery, Maria Sharapova, Petra Nemcova, Verona Pooth, Carmen Electra, Olivia Wilde.
We don’t see too much of Maria Sharapova anymore these days, probably because she’s too focused on stupid things like “practicing” and “training” and “winning Majors,” instead of bikini photoshoots. Man, do I miss Anna Kournikova. Anyway, Maria did show up to some charity dinner the other night wearing a see-through lace dress though. Normally, I’d dock her points for forgetting to forget to wear lingerie underneath it, but because we want to encourage more of this type of behavior from Maria, I’ll allow it. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures, just try to keep your loud grunting down.
Today’s extra catch consists of Carla Howe, Melissa Howe, Sylvie van der Vaart, Melanie C, Sarah Jessica Parker, Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Jessica White, Coco Rocha, Kristen Stewart, Abigail Clarke, Reanin Johannink, Brooke Butler, Caitlin Stasey, Paulina Rubio, Kelly Rowland, Demi Lovato, Donna Air, Kelly Brook, Maria Sharapova, Adrienne Bailon, Maria Menounos, Annabelle Barber, Britney Spears, Bella Thorne.
Today’s extra catch consists of Katrina Bowden, Madison Pettis, Jessica Jarnell, Alli Simpson, Nicole Richie, Lilly Ghalichi, Yasmine Petty, Shayne Lamas, Scheana Marie, Gretchen Rossi, Shiva Safai, Pia Toscano, Melissa Molinaro, Carol Alt, Leigh Lezark, Andrej Pejic, Diana Vickers, Lily Collins, Maria Sharapova, Hilary Duff, Katherine Jenkins, Kristen Cavallari, Alicia Witt, Jessica Alba.
I don’t really know why, but Maria Sharapova just never panned out as the next Anna Kournikova. I guess it’s probably because she’s actually good at tennis instead of just looking hot in a bikini. Luckily though, Maria’s also pretty good at that too, and here she is in the latest issue of Esquire Mexico proving it. One of these days, I’d love to have Maria and Anna over for a game of doubles. I don’t have a court at my place, so we’ll have to move things into the bedroom instead.